Catholic Sense of Humour
We invite you to send us your ‘clean’ catholic jokes, share our sense of humour and spread a bit of fun and joy among each other.
Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, and they give him $25."
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $200."
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the money!"
Late for a seminar and unable to find parking, I pulled into a spot behind a church. It was only after I’d gotten out of the car that I spotted this sign: "No parking. Forgiveness is our business, but don’t make it harder than it already is."
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray, "Take only one. God is watching." Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. One child whispered to another, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."
A married couple were arguing who is making the coffee, the wife said that in the Bible, it says that men should make the coffee and the husband asked her, where it said that. The wife opened the Bible and said: "Right here in HEBREWS!"
My husband and sons and I had stopped to take in a spectacular sunset and were on our way back to our car when four Buddhist monks dressed in orange robes walked by. When our sons asked about them, I explained, "Their life is a quest for enlightenment."
"I wonder what kind of car they drive," my husband said, and jokingly suggested, "a Ford Focus?"
"Or a Honda Odyssey," I said.
The monks got into a Pathfinder.
A woman walks into a church and starts praying the Rosary. After a string of Hail Mary's, she hears the voice of Jesus. "Agnes," he said to the woman. "I am here. What is it you want to ask for?"
The woman ignores him and continues her rosary and her Hail Mary's.
"Arise, for I have come to you," Jesus stepped closer and opened his arms.
The woman continues to ignore him and pray her rosary.
"Agnes, I say to you, I am with you."
Finally, Agnes looks up. "Be quiet! I'm talking to your mother!"
Due to the recession, to save on energy costs, the light at the end of the tunnel will be turned off.
Who was the biggest financial wizard in the Bible?
Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
One Sunday, a priest decides he doesn’t want to go to church so he goes golfing instead.
He calls his deacon to tell him he is sick and the deacon agrees to preach on his behalf.
So the priest grabs his golf clubs. He drives for a while, finding a course where he wouldn’t be recognized, and starts playing his game.
He tees up on the first whole, squares off, and hits the ball.
To his great surprise, it flies perfectly off the tee, heads downrange, and onto the green.
To his further surprise, when he gets to the green, he finds that the ball had landed in the hole.
The priest is jubilant. Never, in 20 years of golfing has he been able to hit a hole in one.
He grabs his ball and moves onto the next hole. There he tees up, takes a few practice swings, and hits the ball.
Again, it flies perfectly down the course, and this time before he even heads down the course he is sure the ball is in the hole.
Hole after hole this continues. The priest is jubilant. It’s the best golf game he has ever had!
Up in heaven, Jesus is sitting beside God watching the priest. He looks over and says, “Are you really going to let him get away with this?”
God smiles. “Who is he going to tell?”
–How do you make holy water?
Boil the hell out of it.
–What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
A “roamin'” Catholic.
SCARY GPS
A friend visiting another town wanted to pay respects at the grave-site of a relative whose funeral he had not been able to attend. He used his smart-phone’s GPS navigation system to find the cemetery. As he drove into the peaceful place, the female voice on the GPS announced, “You have arrived at your final destination”!
Notice found in French churches:
Translation: It is possible that on entering this church, you may hear the Call of God. On the other hand, it is not likely that he will contact you by phone. Thank you for turning off your phone. If you would like to talk to God, come in, choose a quiet place, and talk to him. if you would like to see him, send him a text while driving.
After a long and devoted life as a parish priest Father O’Reilly died and went to heaven. When he arrived St Peter gave him a wooden staff, a plain cotton gown and sent him down to the back of heaven.
The next person who arrived in heaven was an airline pilot and St Peter issued him with a bejewelled staff, a golden robe and escorted him right up the front!
Poor Father O’Reilly couldn’t work out why he was not more favoured after his long life serving his parishioners, so he asked St Peter.
St Peter said, “Well Father, we work on results here. When you stood up to give a homily, most of your parishioners fell asleep. When that pilot climbed into the cockpit to take off, all his passenger prayed!
God is talking to one of his angels and says, “Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?”
The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”
God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”
A little boy was listening to a long and excessively boring sermon in church. Suddenly the red sanctuary lamp caught his eye. Tugging his father's sleeve, he said, "Daddy, when the light turns green can we go?"
A 13-year-old boy has difficulty with mathematics, failing in public school.
His parents were not religious but after a friend’s suggestion they felt a private Catholic school may be more effective.
His grades began to rise dramatically after this switch. Asked what has helped him so much, he answered, “When I saw the guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they meant business!”
Jesus and Satan have an argument as to who is the better computer programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they agree to hold a contest with God as the judge.
They set themselves before their computers and begin. They type furiously for several hours, lines of code streaming up and down the screen.
Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that the contest is over. He asks Satan to show what he has come up with.
Satan is visible upset, and cries, “I have nothing! I lost it all when the power went out.”
“Very well, then,” says God, “let us see if Jesus fared any better.”
Jesus enters a command, and the screen comes to life in vivid display, the voices of an angelic choir pour forth from the speakers.
Satan is astonished. He stutters, “But how? I lost everything, yet Jesus’ program is intact! How did he do it?”
God looks up, over his glasses and chuckles, “Ah you see, Jesus saves.”
In surgery after suffering a stroke, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside. “Will I die?” she asks.
God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”
Relieved and with 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She looks fantastic! The day she’s discharged, she exits the hospital with an arrogant swagger, crosses the street, and is immediately hit by an ambulance and killed.
Up in heaven, she sees God. “You said I had 30 more years to live,” she complains.
“That’s true,” says God thoughtfully.
“So what happened?” she asks disbelievingly.
God shrugs, “My humble apologies but I didn’t recognise you.”
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And ...
At Sunday Mass during his homily, the priest looked down and noticed a middle-aged man who he had not seen at Mass before, sitting in the front row of the church. He thought to himself, I must introduce myself to this chap at the end of the service. When Mass was over he hurriedly moved to the back door in an effort to catch the attention of the man as he was leaving.
The priest moved towards the man and introduced himself. “I‘m sorry, I don’t know your name. Is it your intention to attend church on a regular basis?”
“Oh no father,” the man said, “I’m the local bus driver and wanted to see how you get the parishioners to sit up the back!”
Courtesy of Bill Tysoe
Thanks Bill! Do you have a good joke to share? Email it to editor@majellan.org.au
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An insufferably pious bishop and one of his priests were playing golf. The priest was having a bad day. Every ball he hit would end up in the rough or a sand trap or a water hazard. He couldn’t take a trick. And every time it happened, the priest would utter a mild swear word. After each incident the bishop would admonish the priest.
“You keep swearing like that and God will punish you Father,” he warned. “You should be more like me and offer up your misfortunes to the Lord who will certainly repay you a hundredfold.”
But on the very next hole , the priest sliced the ball into a pond. He slammed his club down with utter indignation and shouted, “Blast.”
“Now Father,” the bishop said, “remember what I said. God will punish you for your sins. You need to be more holy, like me.”
Just then, a bolt of white lightning burst from the clouds and hit the bishop squarely in the head.
A deep voice bellowed from the clouds. “Blast. Missed again!”
Majellan Media
A Priest had a homily about people belonging to the army of God. After mass, standing outside the church door, he was talking to parishioners and stopped one man, asking him, “John why you do not join the army of God?”
John responded, “Father, I am already in the army. “Ooh”, said the priest, “so why do I not see you in the church more than twice a year? John came closer and whispered in the priests ear, “Father, I am in the secret service.”
–Jesus was standing over the woman caught in adultery and challenged the crowd that “He who is without sin, cast the first stone.” Suddenly, a rock hits the back of his head. Jesus turns and exclaims, “Mom! Leave me alone to do my own business”
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–A Jesuit, a Dominican, and a Franciscan were walking along an old road, debating the greatness of their orders. Suddenly, an apparition of the Holy Family appeared in front of them, with Jesus in a manger and Mary and Joseph praying over him. The Franciscan fell on his face, overcome with awe at the sight of God born in such poverty. The Dominican fell to his knees, adoring the beautiful reflection of the Trinity and the Holy Family. The Jesuit walked up to Joseph, put his arm around his shoulder, and said, “So, have you thought about where to send him to school?”
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–A priest was driving and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Father, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest, fingers crossed.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?” The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Praise be to God! He’s done it again!”